The Times Journal & Russell County News
Wednesday, Jul. 23, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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I.C. TOOWELL - In Jan. 31-Feb. 6, 2008 issue
We dialed a friend this week and his phone answering instruction stated...Sorry I am not available to answer your call at this time, if it is an emergency please call the hospital or 911. We like that one.

There are also some real wierd rings on the phones these days and they are very interesting to hear them as they ring in public places.

There is one friend that has a phone ring that will scare you to death when you call. Instead of hearing her phone ring on your phone, all at once this real ruff and loud voice yells at you... DID YOUCALL MY PHONE DID YOU CALL.. Makes you want to hang up real quick.
And, how abouft this one.

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

***
How about this story......

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a "Sniffer dog". "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this." He tells Smithy to "search". Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to "search" again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to relieve himself all over the place.

The first man is really amazed and grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."

***
You Might Be a Member of the Taliban or Al Qaeda if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition and explosives in your robe.

You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my behind look fat?"

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've frequently uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

***
Old Man's Golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That's it”, he tells his wife.
“I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.” His wife sympathizes, and pours him a cold drink.

As they sit down she says, “Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?”

“That's no good” sighs Arthur. “Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.”

“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!”
“Where did it go?”says Arthur.
with his brother-in-law replying, “I can't remember.”

***
Why men have better friends?

Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

***
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional

situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION:
You are in Miami, Florida. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. Th is is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer and she looks familiar. You suddenly realize it's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.

THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer......
"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"

We know that some of you will be offended by the above and you certainly have our permission to inseert the name George Bush if you wish. (Just trying to keep Barbara Zimmerman happy and off my case!!)
***
See you next week..
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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
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Business Manager:
Kim Haydon
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PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
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