Have you noticed all the side effects that come with the medicines today. We noted one last week on TV that really caught out attention.
We believe it was medication to help relieve pains in your legs......the side effects were possible increase in sexual urges or an increase in urges to gamble.
That’s right, your legs might not hurt as much but you might be betting with you friends whether or not they will start hurting.
*** Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
How to speal about women and be political correct.
She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
She is not a cheap. - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
How to speak about men and be correct.
He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
He does not act like a "TOTAL REAR" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
If that is not enough for you take this little test.
In a mental asylum test, how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Here is a little test for you.
Fill up a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
You would likely think a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
If that is your answer, you might want to pick out your bed as the correct answer is to open the drian or pull the plug.
*** Billy Bernard tells us the following conversation he heard at an airport recently.
Cessna: "Tower, Tower, Cessna 1257, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 1257, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp. I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."
*** Did you hear about the man who limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Sometime later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.
Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."
*** A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The young redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, Bubba, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray! It ain't rigged!! My wife won twice last week."
*** We have heard this story before but it is worth repeating.
You don’teven have to own a cat to enjoy this one.
We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We Turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet Parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The Cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'Stupid was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to com e out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat behind downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629