The Times Journal & Russell County News
Wednesday, Jul. 23, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY —
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I.C. TOOWELL - In Mar. 20-26, 2008 issue
Never will forget the time that Pauline was in labor. Don’t think we told you about it but she was in labor and things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife," we said.

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

Following that little lie we probably should pay close attention to the following.

A man’s guide to what women really mean when they say...

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and the man needs to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed this means a half an hour, use it wisely and don’t ask again; she’ll tell you when she’s ready. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This definitely means “something,” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine!”

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Do not do it!

5. A Loud Sigh: Though this is not actually a word, it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about something you will never understand. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of “nothing.”)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That's okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for the mistake you should have just apologized for.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not ask questions. Just say you’re welcome. (This is true, unless she says “thanks a lot” - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “You’re welcome,”.....that will bring on a “whatever.”)

8. Whatever: Is a woman’s nice way of saying !@*#&+?>$%}

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will inevitably result in a man asking “What's wrong?” That query nearly always result in fight that is proceeded by response #3.

We probably should not report the following story we read recently in the Wall Street Journal. Could cause Ole IC to get a broken arm or a knot or two on the head.

This article was telling that it was not only banks in the U.S. that freely loaned money over the last few years, but also those in India, and not surprisingly, many of their debtors have recently run into trouble making payments. Indian banks, inexperienced at collecting from so many defaulting consumers, often prefer to hire "goondas" (thugs) to settle debts the old-fashioned way, according to this Wall Street Journal report. Though iron-bar beatings are frowned upon, some bankers say it's their only recourse because of the numbingly slow pace of the Indian legal system.

We were also reading this story that drew our attention.

Last December, inmate Michael Polk (serving time for robbery and aggravated assault) filed a federal lawsuit against the Utah Department of Corrections for denying him the right to properly practice his religion, Asatru. According to its teachings, adherents must communicate with ancient Nordic gods (such as Odin, Thor and Heimdal) and for that, it is crucial that they have a Thor's Hammer, a Mead Horn (for drinking Wassail), a drum of wood and boar skin, a "rune staff," and a sword (though Polk graciously said he would accept a cardboard sword).

We also enjoyed these weird news reports and pass them along for your enjoyment.

There is a new "chopstick bra," on the market and it is shown in Tokyo as an environment-friendly demonstration project. The bra houses two reusable chopsticks (to publicize a national campaign to discourage use of disposable ones), which can also be positioned to enhance the wearer's cleavage. we just hope the men don’t have to start carrying reusable forks and knives. We can see the Fruit of the Loom now with a pocket for the knife and fork.

Now consider this lawsuit.

A 23-year-old woman was injured in a municipal streetcar collision in San Francisco, and in one of the most notorious turns in medical history, became a nymphomaniac because of injury to the part of her brain that controls impulsive behavior. (According to her lawyer, she once had sex with partners 50 times in one week.) She sued the city, and a jury awarded her $50,000.

How about these reports.

A 32-year-old man was found dead, stuck in the cat door of his girlfriend's St. Augustine, Fla., house after she had kicked him out. Said a friend, "(H)is head was caught ... like he was (trying) to reach up and unlock the door ..

A 46-year-old construction worker fell to his death in November in Custer County, S.D., after co-workers had raised him, in a boom, 30 to 40 feet off the ground so that he could try to get cell-phone reception, but the boom's truck tipped over backward.

Some people certainly do not need the right to bear arms.

More people who accidentally shot themselves recently: Opherro Jones, 32, shot himself in the stomach while allegedly pistol-whipping a man (Honolulu, June). [Star Bulletin (Honolulu).

A 23-year-old San Francisco police officer accidentally shot himself to death while demonstrating police training techniques to friends at a party (August). [San Francisco Chronicle.

A 24-year-old man accidentally shot himself in the foot while aiming at a turtle (Massillon, Ohio, August). [WEWS-TV (Cleveland)-AP.

A 17-year-old boy, and 19-year-old Patrick Jefferson, accidentally shot themselves while "holstering" handguns in their waistbands (in, respectively, Pittsburgh, September, and Chicago, August). [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

Eric Titov, 22, accidentally shot himself to death while fleeing from police (perhaps caused, they said, by his tripping on his baggy shorts) (Houston, October). [Houston Chronicle.]
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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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Jamestown KY 42629
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