You should have been at our house this week. Someone let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.
Chanson has an indoor cat that has been with us about ten years. Well, Sam got out.
He was not to be found anywhere. We searched around the house and the neighborhood and finally chased him from shrub to shrub until he finally made a dart under the back deck.
Since he has been de-clawed and in the house all his life we were afraid to just let him go so we called, pleaded and begged for him to please come out. After about four hours we started taking a few planks lose from the deck and as we would take one lose he would head in the other direction. As he would dodge the water hose, we were the only thing that was getting wet and definitely the only thing that was getting excited.
After about five hours we were totally exhausted and just plopped down on the sidewalk to take a break. Guess Sam thought the playtime was over, he very calmly came strutting out and climbed in our lap. He was so calm, the picture of one dead cat we were visualizing just left our mind.
*** We know without a doubt we are going to get in trouble, but here goes anyway....
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll hush up once you let him in.
I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
*** The difference between Grandma and Grandpa...
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, Pa Pa " the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb XXXXX or one lousy XXXXXX anywhere we went today!"
*** Resume Examples
These are real examples from real resumes:
Reasons For Leaving Last Job* - Responsibility makes me nervous. - They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions. - Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. - I was working for my mom until she decided to move. - The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities* - While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. - I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives* - Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. - My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. - I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities* - Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests* - Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning* - Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. - Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. - Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. - I'm a rabid typist. - Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
*** Think you know everything, add these to your list.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (What do they drink?)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (We know a lot of people like that)
Starfish don't have brains. (We know a lot of people like that also) Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Talking about bad breath).
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...~
Donkeys kill more people annually Than plane crashes or shark attacks. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women,what does this tell you!)
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first ' Marlboro Man. '
Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
The most valuable brand names on earth: Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs. (We wanted to try this one but we do not have a cow. Would someone with a cow verify this one.)
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (We keep our toothbrush in the living room now!)
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal.' (who thinks up this stuff???) The second? William Jefferson Clinton. See ya next week.
The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629