The Times Journal & Russell County News
Thursday, Apr. 24, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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I.C. TOOWELL: May 8-14 issue
We reached another landmark in our household this week. One that will change many, many things as we go through the future. This change will be one that will enable Ole I.C. to walk around town, take walks early of the morning and enjoy the fresh air, natural beauty and local atmosphere..... Chanson turned 16 so we will likely soon be without a car.

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We have been told there is a new class underway at the learning center. A class for men and we have further been told due to the complexity and difficulty the size of the class will be limited.

Class 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class - The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 - Is it Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 - Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 - Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 - Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum - Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 - Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 - Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 - The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

***
Notes to be remembered

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

***

Men and women various quotes.....

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: - Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

***

This elderly man and wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

***
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

***
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

***
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

See you next week and have a great Mother’s Day weekend.
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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
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Advertising Manager:
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Business Manager:
Kim Haydon
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Production Manager:
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PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
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