The Times Journal & Russell County News
Friday, Apr. 18, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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I.C. TOOWELL: May 29 - June 4 issue
We were so proud of our senior class and the manner in which they conducted their graduation. They opened the ceremony with a prayer and closed the event with a prayer.

We were fortunate enough to be on the floor and very close to the seniors as they walked across the stage. We could just see the pride on so many of their faces as they accepted the recognition for their years of work. We could just not refrain from keeping a smile on our face the entire night as we watched the parade of seniors.

We were not smiling so much when we were informed by Barbara Zimmerman this past week that somewhere in the county we have a republican in the closet that is just waiting to vote for Hillary. We do not know who that person is but we have alerted the Republican Detective Bureau and that person will be found and will be dealt with.

Speaking about Barbara Zimmerman, on several occasions we have been stopped by various people on the street or when shopping to tell us how much they are enjoying Barbara’s column in the Russell County News.

We know one fellow that is enjoying it, and that would be the late Andrew Norfleet. The Norfleets were the founders of The Times Journal and Andrew and Barbara hold the same enthusiam about the Democratic party. We know he had a big smile when Barbara’s political views were included. We just dont know how long Ole IC can keep smiling! Just kidding Barbara and we will keep our promise not to tell anyone that you are going to vote for McCain.

***
Red Skelton’s receipe for the perfect marriage. If you remember Red, You will enjoy these.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric Bread-maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" … So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

***
This man was pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume party."

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"

***
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.-- but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and three more drops of juice fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

***
THIS IS QUITE REMARKABLE
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it. They are:
A. Apple
B. Banana
C. Strawberry
D. Peach
E. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results:
If you have chosen:
A. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
B. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
C. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
D. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
E. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

***
Good News, Bad News, Sad News...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

***
Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued,

"Now, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?"

See ya next week.
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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
(sports@tjrcn.com)
Advertising Manager:
Stephanie Smith
(ads@tjrcn.com)
Business Manager:
Kim Haydon
(business@tjrcn.com)
Production Manager:
Renee Daffron
(people@tjrcn.com)
Jamestown Office:
Kim Graham
(rcnoffice@tjrcn.com)
PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
LOCAL & AREA
NEWS SITES
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Laker Country WJRS
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lakercountry.com/
WKYM-1017 (Monticello)
wkym.com/
Adair Progress (Columbia)
adairprogress.com/
Casey County News (Liberty)
caseynews.net/
Clinton County News (Albany)
clintonnews.net/
Cumberland County News (Burkesville)
burkesville.com/ccn/
Wayne County Outlook (Monticello)
wcoutlook.com/
Somerset
Commonwealth-Journal
somerset-kentucky.com/
Danville
Advocate-Messenger
amnews.com/
Lexington Herald-Leader
kentucky.com/
Louisville Courier-Journal
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WKYT-TV, Lexington
wkyt.com/
WBKO-TV, Bowling Green
wbko.com/
USEFUL SITES
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