I.C. TOOWELL: In June 12-18 issue
Dennis Wilson was at our house this week and he was telling us this story...
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
If you have ever said something that did not come out exactly as you intended, don’t feel bad, it happens to be best of them.
Talking about feeling stupid, read these.
On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an intervie w to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
A plan for the future
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $44.00 left.
If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and she can barely see anthing.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too little!"
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
See you next week.