The Times Journal & Russell County News
Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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I.C. TOOWELL: In Aug. 14-20 issue
 It was a very frightening time this week when we heard on the news that Russia had taken action against Georgia and it looked like a war was taking place with hundreds being killed. 

It was very concerning for a short period of time but then Obama came on TV and told Russia to calm down and stop fighting.  Sure did make me feel a lot better that Obama has thing under control.

***
We remember a few years ago we tried our hand at the game of golf. We never really figured the game to the point it was an enjoyable event...it was always a struggle. Our late buddy Johnny Colson always said we had the worst looking swing he had ever seen.

We remember one day we muffed our tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, we proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

After a while we  noticed that our long time friend and golf instructor Wes Bottom had been watching.

Trying to make it a happy moment we asked Wes, "What club should I use now?" .
We will never forget what Wes replied....."I don't know,” he said,  “What game are you playing?"

***
 Where's My Paper?

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," The desk clerk interrupted, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."

 There was a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."

***
Your age according to Wal-Mart

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.  You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.  You have your old work clothes on.  You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.  Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wald-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.  You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it.  Add a shot of y our favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The cute little one running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog poo off your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on because of the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog poo on your shoes.  The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart.  Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.  A little gas problem and you think someone called out your name.  You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

***
We apologize to all  for the following joke but we just had to pass it on with no offense to all the ladies of a certain hair color. no need for you to call,  the wife will say enough to us for all of you.

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some gal sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this  woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to her, whispers in her ear, and she says, 'Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea,' gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne.'

***
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

***
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" we asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, "One."

See you next week.
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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
(sports@tjrcn.com)
Advertising Manager:
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Business Manager:
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Production Manager:
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PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
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