The Times Journal & Russell County News
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September 18th
It’s that time to get the old grill out and chase the’s time for the Laker Band Pork Chop dinner.  Friday, the 26th, the Band will be selling pork chop dinners prior to the Laker Football game. The  chops are grilled and the Band Boosters prepare all the goodies to go with them.
The best way to make sure you get one of the tasty dinners is to purchase a ticket in advance from one of the band members or you may purchase at the school prior to the game. If you purchase in advance it is only $6 but a the game it is $8. You can even request one cooked by Ole IC or maybe you should request one not cooked by Ole IC.
Either way, come by and have a great chop with us.
(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to  straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports.  We will use the 'Wal-Mart's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.  
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state.  If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.
(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences.  If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get.  Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.
The above is being attributed to Bill Cosby but whether or not it is his doings, we puiblish it.  If it is not the works of Bill Cosby we then will claim it ourself. So vote for Bill or vote for us.
A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, 'I'm going to inspect your farm for your farm water allocation.'
The old farmer said, '...O.K. sure....  but don't go in that field over yonder.
The Water representative said, '...Look here, old man, I have the FULL authority of the Federal Government with me!!  See this card? This little card means I am allowed to go
WHEREVER I WANT, whenever I want, on ANY agricultural land. No questions asked or  answered! Have I made myself perfectly clear? Do you understand? I need NOTHING but  this card to go ANYWHERE on your property!!'
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.  A few minutes later, the  old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence.
And running  close behind and gaining ground fast, was the farmer's huge-horned Texas bred prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Water Representative with every step, and the Rep was clearly  terrified. So the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted  out loudly.....
'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'
Even with today’s technology and the great works of Duo-County. there could still be a chance the internet could go out and not be available. If that were to happen, here is something for you to consider.
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your internet provider.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
8. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!
We had not thought about this but Ron Phillips brought it to our attention and this bears great consideration.
How To Save the Government $5 Million
A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year, until he is 80 years old. Assuming the next president lives to age 80.  Sen. McCain would receive ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.  Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would receive $4,973,800 in pension.
Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November. How's that for non partisan thinking?
The other news of the day.
Mohammed Bello Abubakar, 84, a Muslim preacher in the western Nigerian state of Niger, told a BBC reporter in August that, although he personally has 86 wives (and 170 children), other men could not handle that many. "(M)y own power is given by Allah," he said. "That is why I have been able to control 86 of them." The usual maximum for Muslims is four, but Bello Abubakar said the Quran does not specify punishment for violation. Besides, he said, "I don't go looking for (women). They come to me" because of his reputation as a healer.
Two Cheers for Democracy: Angela Tuttle was elected constable in Hancock County, Tenn., in August, simply because she showed up and voted. There were no candidates on the ballot, and thus her own write-in vote for herself carried the election, 1-0.
After Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's party retained control in India in the July elections, supporter (and Assam state legislator) Kishor Samrite decided to give traditional Hindu thanks for the victory. He sacrificed 200 goats and four buffaloes at a temple in Gauhati.
Paul Baldwin, 48, was ordered held on $10,000 bail in Portsmouth, N.H., in May after his arrest for stealing a can of beer, which seems expensive except that it was Baldwin's 152nd arrest. When a judge asked if he wanted a lawyer appointed for him, Baldwin said, "I don't need a lawyer. I've been in this court more than you have."
In April the Swiss watchmaker Romain Jerome (which last year created a watch made from remnants of the Titanic) introduced the "Day&Night" watch, which unfortunately does not provide a reading of the hour or the minute. Though it retails for about $300,000, it tells only whether it is "day" or "night" (using a complex measurement of the Earth's gravity). CEO Yvan Arpa said studies show that two-thirds of rich people "don't (use) their watch to tell what time it is" anyway. Anyone can buy a watch that tells time, he told a Reuters reporter, but only a "truly discerning customer" can buy one that doesn't.
See you next week and don’t forge the Lake Band is competiting this week in Lebanon. Competition Saturday, first performance at 4:30 p.m.  

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
David Davenport
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
Advertising Manager:
Stephanie Smith
Business Manager:
Kim Haydon
Production Manager:
Renee Daffron
Jamestown Office:
Kim Graham
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
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Laker Country WJRS
(Russell Springs)
WKYM-1017 (Monticello)
Adair Progress (Columbia)
Casey County News (Liberty)
Clinton County News (Albany)
Cumberland County News (Burkesville)
Wayne County Outlook (Monticello)
Lexington Herald-Leader
Louisville Courier-Journal
WKYT-TV, Lexington
WBKO-TV, Bowling Green
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