The Times Journal & Russell County News
Friday, Apr. 25, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From my window by I. C. Toowell
In Oct. 2-8 Issue

We do not know about you, but we have just about heard all we can stand about this presidential election.

We understand it is very important but we are so tired of hearing all these so-called advisers, contributors, specialists and former this and thats.  All the networks have scores and scores of these so called experts who so openly and often render their opinions. If they were so successful and their opinions are so important, why are they a “former?”

We are really amused to see all the news announcers and commentators who know it all. They know exactly what McCain should do and they know exactly what Obama should do?  Why are they still an announcer? Why aren’t they president?

 Just do not know why they all can’t be as smart as Ole IC. Elections are very simple. The one that gets the most votes will win. Or will they?

***

SCHAGEN, Netherlands   The massive central door in the side of Noah's Ark was thrown open recently you could say it was the first time in 4,000 years drawing a crowd of curious pilgrims and townsfolk to behold the wonder.

Of course, it's only a replica of the  Ark, built by Dutch creationist Johan Huibers as a testament to his faith in the literal truth of the Bible.

Reckoning by the old biblical measurements, Johan's fully functional ark is 150 cubits long, 30 cubits high and 20 cubits wide. That's two-thirds the length of a football field and as high as a three-story house.

Life-size models of giraffes, elephants, lions, crocodiles, zebras, bison and other animals greet visitors as they arrive in the main hold.

A contractor by trade, Huibers built the ark of cedar and pine biblical scholars debate exactly what the wood used by Noah would have been.

Huibers did the work mostly with his own hands, using modern tools and occasional help from his son Roy. Construction began in May 2005.

On the uncovered top deck not quite ready in time for the opening will come a petting zoo, with baby lambs and chickens, and goats. And one camel. Noah's Ark as described in the Bible was five times larger than Johan's Ark.

***

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."

***

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello' .

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'

She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children' Blonde Supermarket Joke

Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport?  Dylan continued, 'When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'.

***

How to keep your level of insanity!

At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

 Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

 Don't use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

***

Signs You Might Be A Yankee

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don't know what a moon pie is.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You don't know anyone with two first names

You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

You've never been to a craft show.

You can't do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats are homemade.

***

Now remember - With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

See ya later.

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
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PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
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CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
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