The Times Journal & Russell County News
Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From my window ... by I. C. Toowell
In Oct. 9-15 Issue

How do you figure the cost of a gallon of gas? Is there a extra cost to cross the Russell County line. It sure appears it is. What is even more confusing, is how do most all of the stations come up with the same price, down to the tenth of a cent.

This has always been of interest but Sunday it was even more obvious. We were traveling to Lexington and we filled up with gas here at a cost of 3.69 a gallon. Drove a few miles to Dunnville and the price was 3.39 a gallon and then a few miles on down the road to Hustonville and the gas was 3.29 a gallon. We have never really noticed a toll booth at the county line but there must be one.

Want to have a little fun with your automatic answering message to your phone.

When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:

1. Thank you for your message. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.

4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).

5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. If that does not get me, repeat the above.

6. Please reply to this so I will know that you got this message.

***

For all you beer drinkers..Good News.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago  you would have $49.00 left. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank  all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling

 REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash.  Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink  heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Another recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

 Another study found Americans drink, on the average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles  to the gallon.

***

A doctor buddy passed this to me and I am passing this on to you because they said it definitely worked for them and we all could use more calm in our lives. They stated........

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished,and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.

Yu haf no idr hou gud I feal.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis

***

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.   

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.  

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' 

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.'  

 Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see OK?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'cuz he'd be in a real mess if he needed glasses'

***

Subject: Politics!

A woman  in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.  She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,  "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the surface of a lake which is at an elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level and you are you are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North Latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes West Longitude"  !!

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost..   Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I certainly am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, you've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now,  it's MY fault !   Good luck! "

***

Interpreting Hotel Brochures. Here are some tips to tell exactly what the advertisements mean.

Old world charm ............. No bath

Tropical .................... Rainy

Majestic setting ............ A long way from town

Options galore .............. Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway ........... Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms ........ Already occupied

Explore on your own ......... Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts .... They've flown in an airplane before

No extra fees ............... No extras

Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge

Standard .................... Sub-standard

Deluxe ...................... Standard

Superior .................... One free shower cap

Cozy ........................ Small

All the amenities ........... Two free shower caps

Plush ....................... Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes .............. Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and airy .............. No air conditioning

Picturesque ................. Theme park nearby

Concierge ................... Stand with tourist brochures

Continental breakfast ....... Free muffin

***

Have you seen the new dollar bill......The picture of Washington looks like this...


Have a great week.     


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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
(sports@tjrcn.com)
Advertising Manager:
Stephanie Smith
(ads@tjrcn.com)
Business Manager:
Kim Haydon
(business@tjrcn.com)
Production Manager:
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(people@tjrcn.com)
Jamestown Office:
Kim Graham
(rcnoffice@tjrcn.com)
PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
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