3:40 a.m.

Again.

Third time this week.

Why do I keep waking up at 3:40 a.m.?

Did some catastrophic event happen at 3:40 a.m. at some time in my life?

Am I awakened by someone attempting to break in the house every morning at 3:40 a.m.?

Hmmm…

Well, no actually, I think I woke up at 3:39 a.m. yesterday.

But, alas, here it is again,

Wide awake.

Eyes blazing.

Should I get up out of bed?

No, stay here, close my eyes.

That's not working.

Look around.

Ah, shoot, the more I stay awake, the brighter in gets in here.

Maybe I should go to another room.

Good, it's dark in here.

Nah, can't sleep, bed doesn't feel right.

Try another room.

Not bad…but I'm not sleepy.

I exhale…LOUDLY. (My wife says I have a bad habit of doing that.)

I use the glare of a street light shining through the window to make "shadow puppets" on the wall with my hands.

Dinosaur, dog, rabbit, heck, I don't know what this one's supposed to be…

This is boring.

Hey, wait a minute, if you squint your eyes just right, the pattern in the wallpaper looks…like…THE FACE OF SATAN!

ARGH! Gotta' get out of here.

Off to the couch.

No, this isn't going to work-you're not supposed to sleep on a couch.

Shoot.

Maybe I'll get on-line.

Dang, why isn't anybody on here to talk to?

Oh, yeah, it's like, 4:12 a.m.

Just lay down, I'll MAKE myself go to sleep.

Time to try yet ANOTHER bed in this Goldilocks-like pursuit of sleep.

OK, relax.

What…was…that…NOISE?

Is the house "settling?

Can a house actually "settle," or was that something they just came up with on that one, Brady Bunch episode?

Brady Bunch, man, I used to love that show, I remember one of my favorite episodes was…HEY! I gotta get some sleep.

Do I hear something…"crinkling?"

A mouse? Is there a mouse unwrapping a Little Debbie snack cake under the bed?

When did we get mice?

No, it's not a "crinkling" sound, it's more like a "swoosh."

Yeah, ha-ha, there's a Nike in the house.

Oh, man, that's funny. Gotta write that down.

No, really, what is that noise?

Is it the heat kicking on?

I reach behind the bed to feel if there's any air coming out of the vent.

Feels like cool air.

Is the air kicking on? Why would the air be kicking on, it's like 30 degrees outside?

What if the heating/cooling unit is messed up?

Oh Lord, we can't afford to get that fixed.

Wait…we can't afford ANYTHING.

Yeah, and what about Christmas shopping?

What is today's date, anyway, because I wonder what kind of payment(s) we have due.

Blah, don't have any money, anyway, but…

Is somebody else up?

One of the kids, maybe?

It's gonna freak me out if I look over and there's a tiny face staring at me.

I know I hear footsteps.

Yeah, I'm sure of it.

OMG! It IS somebody breaking into the house, and they're wearing Nikes! HA-HA! Hey, that's not funny.

There's nothing for them to steal, so maybe they'll leave.

I'll just pull the cover up over my head.

ACK! I'm suffocating! It's too hot under here.

I reach back behind the bed for some cool air, but now the air from the vent is hot…VERY hot!

GOSH! I bet my wife turned the heat up to like, 104 degrees like she always does.

It even smells warm. Uh-oh. There IS something wrong with the heating/cooling unit!

No, it smells more like, I dunno, burning plastic, or is it wood?

FIRE?

I jump up, run through the house, finding nothing.

I even go outside and look around the house.

Nothing.

Good.

I get back in bed, and notice the first rays of sunlight are peeking over the trees.

Looking at the alarm clock, I notice I must get up and start the day in roughly seven minutes.

Then…I fall asleep.