The Times Journal & Russell County News
Saturday, Apr. 19, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From my window ... by I. C. Toowell
In Jan. 1 Issue

The New Year always brings the new resolutions. This year we are sure will be no exception and we, along with most of you will again make a big list of resolves that we surely will not keep.

We were reading a list of the top ten resolutions that most will make as we enter the new year.

Of the top ten reported we have certainly had all of them at one time or the other.

The top ten are reported as:

Spend more time with family, exercise more, lose weight, quit smoking, enjoy life more, quit drinking, get out of debt, learn something new, help others and get organized.

They all sound so good, we might just take all ten this year, after all, failing ten could not be any more difficult than failing one.

Our main one will have to be to lose weight.  This is always the top one each year. We are back to our largest size of pants. We have three sizes in our closet. The biggest (the most worn), the middle size (the clean and pressed section) and then there are the smallest, (the two pair with the tags still on them).

The battle of the weight seems to get harder as we get older. It seems there is a direct proportionate to the number of years and the number of pounds. The both pile on and on and on.  But this certainly beats the alternative.

***

Plans for the New Year? It is just unreal how even this also have a direct correlation to our age. For so many years, it was just a given fact, come New Year's Eve, we were somewhere enjoying the occasion and the celebration. We would have had plans that included, dinner, dance and a celebration lasting into the wee hours of the morning.

Now, we are excited to have a good warm bath, clean  pj’s and a couple cups of coffee to try and stay up until midnight to watch the big ball drop on TV and a sip of our non-alcoholic wine. It’s not that we object to the party or the a drink of real wine, but again, as the years increase, the ability to stay awake decreases. As the years increase, the heart-burn from the wine increases.

The only thing that we have noticed that increases along with the number of years is the number of trips to the bathroom.  Whoopee and a Happy New Year.

***

Academic Phrases and Meanings

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known"... really means....I didn't look up the original reference.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... really means....The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown"...really means..... This is the prettiest graph.

"In my experience"... once.

"In case after case"... twice.

"In a series of cases"... thrice.

"It is believed that"... I think.

"It is generally believed that".......... A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude"........ Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis"....... Rumor has it.

"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"....... A wild guess.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"........ I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my "........ They don't understand it either. ..

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"........ I quit."

***

Ode To January

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt -

I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick. Dieting in January

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

***

Here is an ad as it appeared in The Atlanta Daily:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

***

From The Derby Abbey Community News:

'We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.'

***

 "A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other."

***

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.  


New Year's Day Prayer for one and all

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

Happy New Year to all!

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
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Russell Springs KY 42642
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Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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