There was an influential businessman who found out that his wife was having an affair with the butcher and the produce man in a local grocery store. Needless to say, he was quite furious and figured she and her lovers weren't fit to live, so he decided to kill them.

Not wanting to risk his prominence in the business world, he decides to hire a bum off the street who desperately needed some money. So he finds a bum named Artie and offers him a buck to kill his wife and her lovers the next time she goes to the store.

So the next day, the businessman's wife went shopping and flirts first with the butcher and then with the produce man as she usually does. However Artie shows up at the store and, as per his instructions, strangles the butcher, the produce man, and last but not least, the businessman's unfaithful wife.

Well, the assassin quickly tries to escape but is caught by the security guards who haul him off to the police.

It didn't take long for the press to catch hold of the story and print the following headline:

FLASH!! ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR IN LOCAL SUPERMARKET!!!!

***

Our computer and spelling check have really changed the newspaper community and the expectations that all stories are spelled correctly.

Take a look at the following poem.......

Eye half a spelling checker

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrung.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh.

My chequer tolled me sew.

***

 The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.

His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.

"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"

***

Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You*

Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.

A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.

Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.

Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.

Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

***

I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.

Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.

"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"

***

Signs of Fine Age

 You take a metal detector to the beach.

 You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

 If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.

 You keep repeating yourself.

You discover bifocals are stylish!

When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.

You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

 You keep repeating yourself.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.

You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

You send money to PBS.

You sing along with the elevator music.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

 Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your classmates at your reunion think you're one of their former teachers.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

You keep repeating yourself.

Your relatives longingly refer to your things as your "estate".

People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.

***

This not-so-bright lady decides one day that she is going to impress her husband by painting a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that she was not dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, for best results, put on two coats.