The Times Journal & Russell County News
Sunday, Apr. 20, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From my window ... by I. C. Toowell
In Feb. 5 Issue

Talked with Steve Wariner this week. He is considering an European tour later this year and according to present plans will appear in concert in several countries.

As most of you know Ole IC is a saxophone player and we may just join Steve’s band and take a few weeks to hit the road with him. He is really trying to get us to go with him but we just have not decided at this time.  Not for sure we know how to play in German and Italian.

***

Dog Weather

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The Cat

***

Bus Fare

Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"

"Sixty cents," said the driver.

The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"

"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."

***

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find  North  America. MARIA:         Here it  is.TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered America? CLASS:  Maria

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it  without using tables.

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

'TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  (I Love this kid)

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking  about? DONALD:  Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years  ago. WINNIE:  Me!

 TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so  dirty? GLEN:  Well, I'm a lot closer to theground than you  are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

 MILLIE: I  is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'

MILLIE: All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    

TEACHER: Now,  Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers befor eeating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Momis a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy  his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.        TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who keeps  on talking when people are no longer  interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

***

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commiss ion on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it.

***

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?

See you next week.

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
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FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
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