The Times Journal & Russell County News
Thursday, Apr. 17, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From My Window ... by I.C. Toowell
In April 16 Issue

We were watching one of the news programs this past week and they were talking about Michelle Obama and her actions as being the First Lady and the new fashion star.

The report was telling she is the first in the White House to have her own make-up expert. Not only does she have her own hair stylist, she now has her own personal make-up artist. Do not fear, we are sure it will not be long until we all have a personal make-up and hair expert to drop by and get us ready for the day.

All we would really like to have is someone to find us a clean pair of socks.

***

Rick Mann, we are told had a little suprise recently. Rick was asked to play and sing for a birthday party. He went to the appointed place and set-up his equipment in anticipation for the event.

Later that day as he returned to play for the birthday gathering and he was suprsed to find out it was a suprise party for his own birthday. We won’t tell what year he was celebrating but we understand it was a major event.

***

 The Great Socialist Experiment

 An economics professor at Texas Tech said he never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class. The class had insisted that socialism worked & that no one would be poor & no one would be rich.a great equalizer. The professor then said, "OK, we'll have an experiment in this class on Socialism. All grades will be averaged & everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail & no one will receive an A."

 After the 1st test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

 The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

 But, when the 2nd test rolled around, the students who studied little studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little. The 2nd test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test was completed, the average was an F. The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for anyone else.

 The whole class failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that Socialism would ultimately fail because the harder it is to succeed, the greater the reward. But when  government takes away all reward, no one tries, so no one succeeds.

***

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

***

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"

The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 40 came up, she just fainted!"

***

A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.

"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"

***

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.

***

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward ! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!"

***

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.  

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.   

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.  

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.  The rabbit had it coming.  

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay!  Okay! I'm a rabbit!  I'm a rabbit!

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
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PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
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