In May 7 Issue
Tom and Pat Mathews travel quite extensively and in doing so keep abreast of all the new and exciting inventions. Tom was telling about this new supermarket they experienced on their last trip. His story goes.......
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
Tom said the store was wonderful but he just doesn’t buy toilet paper there any more.
Here are a few true news stories....
Hostage released for pizza
An Australian prison guard held hostage for two days was released after a ransom demand for pizzas was met.
Up to 20 inmates seized the guard in a protest over conditions in the maximum security jail.
Initially they made 24 demands to authorities, but eventually gave up their hostage after agreeing to 15 pizzas, Coke and garlic bread instead.
The guard is recovering from his ordeal at home.
Shoplifter lacks bite
A 70-year-old shoplifter tried to evade capture by biting an arresting officer before realizing he'd left his dentures at home.
Pensioner Gustav Ernegger turned on the policeman when he grabbed him as he ran out of a clothes shop in Braunschweig, Germany, after stealing a shirt.
But instead of sinking his teeth into the officer's arm, he was only able to leave a wet mark from his gums.
Police spokesman Gunther Brauner said: "He tried to bite the officer several times, but had forgotten to put his false teeth in and so was unable to cause him any harm."
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
On the walls of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy
In front of a church:
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In the window of an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race:
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants, please stay in your car.
Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.
On a plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.
On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.
At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On a fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!
Seen on a garbage truck:
Satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back!
On a church door:
This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
Sign warning of quicksand:
Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council.
In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
A few of those church bulletin bloopers...
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
Have a great week!
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson's sermons.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.