In June 4 Issue

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.  

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her chest, touching her very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand  over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle feeling then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and  the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and awake.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.  

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

***

My, my how times have changed. We remember very well having to walk in snow up to our knees to get to school. We took a baloney sandwich for lunch. We had no TV, we read a book for excitement, we were thrilled to get a bicycle and never dreamed of having our own car and you know how the story goes.......

We received the following this week from another era of growing up.

 If you are 30 or older, you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.  When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning, Uphill... Barefoot .... BOTH ways.

 Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And, I remember promising myself that, when I grew up, there was no way  I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

  But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

 You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a dang Utopia!

 And, I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

   I mean, when I was a kid, we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

 There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!

  Then, you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

 There were no MP3s or Napsters!  You wanted to steal music, you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

 We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal - that's it!

 And, we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! when the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!   You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!   

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And, there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen, forever!

  And, you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

   You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were out of luck when it came to channel surfing! You had to get up and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no cartoon network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled   little rat.

  And, we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove... Imagine that!

   That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy, you're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted  five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The over 30 Crowd

***

The imagination today can not even function to think what the young kids of today will be telling their grandchildren!!

***.  

Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers. The bartender says Im sorry we dont serve ropes in here.

Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says Ive got an idea. So he gets himself into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.

The barkeep says Sure, but arent you those same two ropes that came in here earlier? The rope answers Nope, Im a frayed knot.

***

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Dang!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

***

 Long Wait

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."

"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.

"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."

The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"

"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.