In June 20 IssueRussell County NewsBy Wade Daffron, Columnist
I think I’ve got it figured out...
A few weeks ago (OK, probably more like months ago), I was living out a CCR song ("Do, do, do...lookin’ out my backdoor") when I noticed how tall the grass was.
"I gotta do something about that," I said aloud to no one in particular. I don’t even think the dog noticed.
But since I don’t have a lawn mower, and can’t afford a lawn service, I forgot about it.
Not only was the grass in our yard tall and unruly, but the field adjacent to our house looked like it was ready for a good "bush-hogging." (I think I just made up a term, there. It’s a verb, too. I should get points for that.)
But since I don’t have a tractor, and can’t afford to hire a farmer away from his livelihood, I forgot about it.
Days and weeks passed, and I noticed the grass wasn’t getting any shorter.
I would occasionally see an odd plant or small tree pop up here and there, and became aware of more and more wildlife around the house.
One evening, I saw one...two...three deer walk right up to the back porch.
Then I noticed a whole herd of deer behind them.
"Wow!" I thought, "All of these deer must be traveling through the area, or something."
I soon realized the deer were coming from our over grown backyard and field.
What was once neatly-landscaped was now an ugly thicket.
Great for animals....bad for the community...horrible for the neighbors.
In desperation, I started asking everyone I saw if they (a). Mowed yards, (b). Knew someone who mowed yards, ©), Liked deer jerky. (Think about it...)
I even had some lawn services come by to look, but they recoiled in horror at the site of our "accidental jungle."
Many people said we needed to bush hog.
"Yeah," I agreed, "the field really needs it."
"Actually, I mean your yard needs to be bush-hogged," someone said.
"The field and the yard need bush-hogging," another commented.
"Where does the field end, and the yard begin," one asked.
"They’re separated by a fence," I said.
"I can’t see the fence because the grass is too tall"
Afer work one day, I was pulling in our driveway when I noticed part of our field had been bush-hogged.
Just "part" of the field.
A few thoughts ran through my mind.
Maybe someone started bush hogging, and either ran out of gas, or experienced some mechanical problems.
Or maybe they began bush hogging, and realized it was a hopeless situation, and went home.
Perhaps someone started bush hogging...and became lost in the dense undergrowth.
I walked as far as I could through our yard with a machete, leaned against the fence between the yard and the field, and listened to see if I could hear the muffled sound of a tractor....or cries for help.
A few days later, I arrived home and I saw a "strip" had been mowed out of the center of our front yard.
Just a "strip," that’s all.
Nothing on the sides, nothing anywhere else.
It didn’t even run the entire length of the yard-just about half-way up, and it veered to the right.
The pattern and symmetry seemed "familiar."
I studied the "strip" for a while, and couldn’t determine where the mysterious mowing had "began," or "ended."
And like the partial bush hogging of the field, I had no idea who did it, when they did it, or how they did it.
Over the next, few days, I kept looking at the strip in the front yard.
I stood in the middle of it, ran my hands through it, smelled it, tasted it, studied it.
Remember the field I was telling you about?
OK, see, the field runs right beside our house, then, makes kind of a "turn" the right, and goes behind our house.
In other words, it’s "L-shaped."
Now, this "strip" in our yard, it, too, was also "L-shaped."
I realized the "strip" was almost an exact replica of the field.
Yeah, yeah, so who mowed the field and the yard?
And I mean ones from outer space, not across the border.
I have this theory...
Someone tried to bush hog our field, and maybe their efforts were thwarted -if they weren’t literally abducted by aliens.
Oooooooooooooh...sorta makes sense.
But what about the "strip" in the front yard?
Am I the only person who read "Chariots of the Gods"?
The "strip" is a "sign" for extraterrestrial craft to see from outer space.
It’s like a crop circle, right?
Instead of a crop circle, though, it’s a "L-shaped" replica of the field next to our house...WHICH is apparently serving as a breeding ground for either a herd of genetically-superior deer being used by aliens to take over the world, OR is being used by aliens DISGUISED as harmless deer who will use their big, dark, fake-deer eyes, pretty, fake-deer spots, and delicate, fake-deer features to gain our trust to mask their plans to take over the world...OUR WORLD!
I expect their evil plot to come to fruition around Christmas, because, HELLO, no one’s going to be suspicious of deer at that time of year.
However, I may be able to save our planet if I can get my yard mowed before then.
For now, I’m going to keep a close eye on things around here.
In the evening, when the aliens...I mean "deer" come around, I stand in my back door and yell, "I know what you’re up to!" in a loud, clear voice.
Those "deer"-trying to look all innocent with their cute, little, fluffy, white tails wagging around.
I know they’re not tails-they’re titanium, cross-modular, bi-amped, tracking devices which allow them to keep in contact with their home base on Zontar 7.
They don’t fool me for a minute.
I haven’t mowed by yard because I’m lazy-I’m just playing along with their little "game."
I have a feeling the Mothership may try to land in my yard at any minute.
Oh, don’t you worry.
I’ll be waiting...