In June 25 Issue
We’re watching “So You’ve Got Talent” while we are writing this week’s column. Dang, there are some weird people in this world. We thought that maybe Ole IC and Ole Wade Daffron had a lock on the talent category, but we are way behind.
At this moment some woman is making sounds like a wild dog and a monkey. We’ve made a sounds like that a few times, but it has been awhile and we’re probably out of practice.
Don’t know whether we should sing or maybe do a little ballet. Wade and Ole IC could do some Swan Lake maybe. That picture is even beyond imagination.
Big news....our friend Buddy Mason, Chanson’s teacher this past year and my former pastor, is about to tie the knot and get married.
We were privileged this week to meet the chosen lady, Bonnie, and we were so impressed with this very nice and very beautiful lady. They have some great wedding plans and we will slip a few details of them to you later.
Under The Table
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh no, My husband just walked in the door."
A few years ago, we did not know what the AARP meant, but now we know them and they know us by our first name. Here are a few of this month’s questions.
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A:Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through the so-called “Change”?
A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A:Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:"Gosh, I remember these!"
We love this one........
Subject: FW: Qualifications
In a University of Mississippi classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age .
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant , but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C -section?"
Yep , these are the same ones that just elected the new President of the United States
Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a light bulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
The Internet is such a marvelous tool.
According to WGEM in Quincy, Illinois, a teenage boy who bragged about burning down a church has been arrested.
The station received a tip that the fire may have been started on purpose by a boy who bragged about starting the fire on the GameFAQS.com. Police immediately narrowed down their search to every nearby 40 year old man who lives in his parents’ basement.
The suspect in question called himself JediKnight12345. Apparently TotalLoser12345 was already taken.
When some of the members claimed the posting was a fake, the boy posted pictures of himself starting the fire and bragged about starting another fire at a school. Something tells us that the most connection he’s had to a school in a long time.
A man who stole some cell phones got caught when he used an FBI office address on the mailing address, according to the AP.
The man in question tried to buy the stolen phones with a fake check. The check in question was a cashier’s check or as it read on the check, “cahier’s check.” With a mistake like that, I’m surprised the FBI didn’t start questioning me.
He also used the FBI field office as a shipping address and actually waited outside the office to make his transaction. Fortunately, federal agents were there to copy edit his work.
One man, however, found the worst use of a deathbed when he confessed to murdering a neighbor more than 20 years after his crime, according to the BBC.
The man never died. In fact, he got better and police charged him with the murder. That will make his funeral eulogy awkward to write.
He even called police to his home to make the confession because he thought he was dying. Police eventually sent him an arrest warrant in the form of a get-well card.