In July 2 Issue
Gosh, has is been a rough week for the rich and famous. Each day there is another one passing away. Farrah Fawcett, my girlfriend for several years, died this week. Billy Mays, the man who made me believe in many a bargain, also passed away. Of course Michael Jackson is no longer with us.
We have been a little surprised how the media has handled his death. For days now, he has been presented as a hero, a star, an icon of wonderful and great.
He was a great singer and entertainer. But that was years ago. For the last 20 years he has been anything but what our young people should look up to and admire.
"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"
"I am 78." The man said.
"78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life.
A pre-med student had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, As you give your daughters hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.
The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the brides hand on his son-in-laws arm and said, No deposit, no return.
We just don’t understand why Tom Mathews keep sending us this stuff about getting old.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me!
I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”
The second old guy says,
“That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate”
The first old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”
The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”
To which the first old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.”
Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. Other women
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Only In America
Only in America....can congress force fannie and freddie to buy subprime loans, and then blame fannie and freddie for buying subprime loans. Then fire the ceo's with giant severance packages and nationalize the companies so the tax payers can pay off all the debt!!
Only in America....a financial crisis requires swift action by congress to pass a bill without reading it, then they go on vacation for three days before the president finds the time to sign it.
Only in America....you can be legally illegal.
Only in America....can congress make laws that they don't have to, or intend to, follow.
Only in America.....the vice president declares 'jobs' a 3 letter word.
Only in America.... Can you get a tax refund for taxes you didn't pay.
Only in America.... Can politicians blame others for their own failures.
Only in America.... You have more rights being illegal, than you do if you're legal
Only in America.... Can you be 13 and have an abortion without telling your parents, but you must have a written note from your parent explaining why you missed school.
Only in America....do we worry about 3 guys that get water up their noses, while their associates are beheading captives and blowing up crowds of people with suicide bombers.
Only in America....you can be president without having a birth certificate.
Only in America.... Whatever goes wrong will always be president bush's fault.
Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and, Your hand over my mouth*