In July 23 Issue
We know we will get in trouble for this one. But we just have to tell it.
We are told it really works...at least Tom said it worked for him.
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore".
That shoud scare you just enough!
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No", replied the Managing Director. "Thats Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone!
Pauline sent us this one.
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"
Ten Amusing Fishing Sayings and Quotes
1. A bad day of fishing is still better than a good day at work. - Author Unknown.
2. An angler is a man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won't let him do it at home. - Author Unknown
3. The gods do not deduct from man's allotted span the hours spent in fishing. - Babylonian Proverb
4. The fishing was good; it was the catching that was bad. - A.K. Best
5. All fishermen are liars; it's an occupational disease with them like housemaid’s knee or editor’s ulcers. - Beatrice Cook
6. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright
7. Calling fishing a hobby is like calling brain surgery a job. - Paul Schullery
8. The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so that I could afford to hunt and fish. - Sam Snead
9. Smoked carp tastes just as good as smoked salmon when you ain't got no smoked salmon. - Patrick F. McManus
10. If I fished only to capture fish, my fishing trips would have ended long ago. - Zane Grey
Ones that almost got away:
* Fly fishermen are born honest, but they get over it. - Ed Zern
* Somebody just back of you while you are fishing is as bad as someone looking over your shoulder while you write a letter to your girl. - Ernest Hemingway
* The fisherman’s golden rule: the one that got away is always bigger than the one you gotta weigh.
One day policeman stopped a worker who was walking out of the dockyard gates pushing a wheelbarrow with a suspicious looking package in it. The policeman opened the package and found it contained nothing but some old bits of rubbish, sawdust and floor-sweepings.
The next day he stopped the same worker who was again pushing a wheelbarrow containing a suspicious looking package. Once more it contained nothing of any value.
The same thing happened several days on the trot, until the policeman finally said, 'OK, I give up. I know you are up to something, but I just can't tell what. Please, I promise not to arrest you, but put me out of my misery; tell me what you are stealing.'
'Wheelbarrows, 'smiled the worker, 'I'm stealing wheelbarrows.'
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
ELKHART, Ind. - A 51-year-old man told a police officer he was naked in a cemetery because he had taken off his wet clothes after checking on his in-laws' grave and then wanted a closer look at some flowers.
The officer was off duty and jogging through Rice Cemetery in Elkhart Sunday afternoon when he saw the naked man get into a truck and drive away.
The officer later tracked down the Mishawaka man from his license plate number.
MANCHESTER, N.H. - Some Visa cardholders were surprised to find that recent purchases cost them a little more than expected — $23 quadrillion, plus change.
In New Hampshire, Josh Muszynski said he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and when he later checked his account online found that he had been charged the 17-digit number — a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500.
In North Texas, Jon Seale saw the same 17-figure bill on his credit card statement, presumably for a meal July 13 at a restaurant owned by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck, NBC affiliate KXAS TV reported.
RAHWAY, New Jersey - Police in central New Jersey say they arrested a man on burglary charges after he returned to the victim's house to apologize.
Rahway officers arrested 35-year-old Craig Fletcher on Wednesday shortly after the homeowner told them a man had just rung his doorbell, apologized for the break-in and run off on foot.
The homeowner said he interrupted the June 29 burglary. He chased the burglar, who had stuffed three laptops and an Xbox game console into a backpack. The intruder threw the bag down and got away.
Speak well of your enemies, after all you made them