In Aug. 1 IssueRussell County NewsBy Wade Daffron, Columnist
I was enjoying myself quite nicely until I started seeing two, three, and even four of everything.
And I realized this probably wasn't something I should be doing during work hours, and especially since I was driving.
But there I was, motoring through rural, scenic Jabez, admiring all the pretty flowers, lush trees, and freaking out over how the lines in the road seemed to twist and squirm like an evil serpent.
It all started when I lost my sunglasses...
My mission was simple: Deliver library books to Jabez.
I could do that. Done it plenty of times before.
Had all the books together, a few dollars worth of petrol, some good CDs, but my "karma" was jilted when I couldn't find my "shades."
My father always wore sunglasses (not sure why, but it seems like I heard something once about him having sensitive eyes), and I guess I inherited up that habit.
As I drove from Jamestown toward the parkway, I dug under my seats, and felt around the floorboard-dodging oncoming vehicles and swerving to avoid mailboxes as my concentration and focus was directed toward the missing sunglasses.
I found a pair of glasses stuck between the driver's seat and the middle console.
Black frames, good.
Odd lenses, not so good.
Wait a tick...
They weren't sunglasses.
They were polarized, "3D" glasses left over from a theater showing of "The Nightmare Before Christmas."
Oh heck, nobody wouldn notice, so why not?
I put the glasses on and headed east.
Two things caught my eye. (That's a pretty, good, darn pun if I do say so...)
One: The glasses were kinda ugly.
HUGE frames (like legendary, Hollywood agent Swify Lazar used to wear), and odd lenses-one dark, one slightly concave.
The "dark" lens obscured my right eye, and the "concave" lens made my left eye look four times its normal size.
Two: Everything I saw looked....weird.
The numbers on my speedometer looked "three dimensional."
They not only pulsated, but floated near the steering wheel.
It was neat for a while, but then I started swatting at them like they were flies.
Everything illuminated on the dashboard danced around all over the inside of the car.
I had never seen a radio station "1000000.0000003494093430 FM FM FM FM MF MF MF MF" before.
But they played good music.
I noticed those orange pylons they put out at road construction sites seemed to be as large as the pyramids in Egypt.
And they pulsated, too. The pylons. I mean. Maybe the pyramids pulsate, too. I really don't know. Let me research that and get back to you.
When I drove fast, the lines and slashes in the road flickered like a bright flame.
When I drove slow, the lines and slashes in the road looked like cards someone was dealing from a fluorescent deck.
I spent several miles speeding up...slowing down...speeding up...slowing down...much to the consternation of fellow travellers.
I reached the Nancy/Nancy Exit/Exit (That's what it looked like to me), and merged off the psychedelic parkway.
As I approached KY. 80 and the STOP STOP sign, I realize I had not turned off my cruise control.
Slamming on the brakes, I skidded just past the STOP STOP sign.
That was a close one close one.
The car was pointed away from Jabez, but I managed to turn it around and onto the road to the 4H CENTER 4H CENTER 4H CENTER.
Soon, I was in JABEZ JABEZ JABEZ JABEZ..
I've always liked Jabez, and I liked it even more now that I had this almost "super power" of cognitive perception.
While driving past Harris' Store, I felt as if I could almost see people inside-milling around, buying things, having lunch, sharing the latest gossip.
I saw someone pulling a lawn mower from a garage next to their home and I knew they were going to mow their yard.
These glasses were AMAZING.
I delivered the library books (sans Magic, Amazing, 3D Glasses), and headed home.
I was thinking...
OK, if I'm wearing these glasses, am I seeing things in 3D, "4D", "6D"?
"Normal" vision is kinda like 3D, right?
So, which is "real"?
Things with the glass, or without the glasses?
The longer I wore the glasses, the more I noticed things in my peripheral vision "curved" inward.
I also discovered whenever I looked through my back glass, I saw a "checkerboard" pattern.
Sometimes there would be a old farm truck in the King's position, or a small, car moving toward the Bishop's position.
My temples pounded, too.
By the time I was back at the parkway (and saw my skid marks from driving past the STOP STOP sign earlier), the sky had darkened, and rain began to fall.
I pulled off the glasses and rubbed my eyes.
I could literally feel my contacts trying to stretch and mold themselves back on my eyeballs like they should be.
The driving rain made it even more difficult to see.
Now I had a headache...
And I realized that whether I'm wearing contacts, or the "Magic, Amazing, 3D Glasses", I don't always see things clearly.