Buddy Tom is our kind of guy. He tells me he recently celebrated a birthday and his wife, Pat, asked him what he was planning to do to celebrate the occasion.

He told her, “I am planning on doing nothing.”

She replied, “But, that is what you did yesterday.”

He slipped down between  the arms of his big recliner and said, “I know, but I didn’t get finishes.”

***

Laura fell for her new dentist and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. One day, he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been messing around for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

***

Sermon

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons.

He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said,

"Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"

***

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

***

Insurance Policy

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

***

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!”

***

A stimulus story:

In a small town in the United States , the place looks almost totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the town's only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter as a deposit, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes back his 100 dollar bill, saying that he did not like any of therooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we are told is how the government will operae nationwide. It is called stimulus

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

 This lady writes...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm living by myself, doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot concluded the lady.

***

1 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2 There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3 Life is sexually transmitted.

4 Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

11 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'