So, I've been in one of "those moods."

I equate it to the time of year-as the seasons change.

Fall is my favorite time of year.

But you have to admit, it's sort of "dark" time.

The weather is crisp and cool and the evening breeze brings a literal "chill" to your bones.

When the sun sets, night swallows the day and its remains.

Things just "feel" different.

If you ask someone how they're doing, they very well may tell you...and then some.

Many people are facing challenges, dealing with issues, or going through some kind of metamorphosis..

Things that are good are good-like seeing children frolic on a playground or watching the morning fog lift to expose the fresh, morning dew.

But the "darkness" creeps in...

Maybe it's because I'm getting older.

I'll hear a song I've casually listened to a thousand times before, but now it has deep and specific meaning.

I'll read a book or watch a movie for the hundredth time-yet this time, something will catch my attention that I've never noticed before.

Why is that?

Why do I anticipate, analyze and interpret things so differently nowadays?

What I think is a very rational fear comes over me...

Am I about to die?

My thinking and reasoning seem "static."

I feel things WAY too strongly-alternating between pure, unbridled joy and crashing, thrashing sadness.

I may be surrounded by people, yet totally isolated.

Sometimes I hold out my hand to see if anyone will take it.

Even if they do, the grasp breaks quickly.

The connections I've had with people (and things) are broken-some beyond repair.

Fear.

Frustration.

Falling away.

Am I about to die?

Is everything I'm experiencing in "preparation" for something?

Are things about to get better?

Or worse?

Just this past week alone, I've had three deep and meaningful conversations with people about God.

I thought one of these people I spoke with didn't even know who God is.

But yet they taught me a lot about Him...and myself.

The time span between church services on Sundays seem to grow wider and wider apart.

Struggles.

Strife.

Sorrow.

Am I about to die?

Of course, I've never spoken with someone who died before, but I wonder if people have some kind of great epiphany before they depart this mortal coil.

Does everything suddenly make sense?

Do all the pieces of the puzzle fit together?

Does one suddenly "get it" just before they draw their last breath?

There are so many things I'd like to know, so many things I'd like to feel, so many things I'd like to experience, but not if it means your time is up, the ride is over, please collect your belongings and exit through the gate.

I probably feel all of this because I just finished reading "Unholy Ghost-Writers on Depression."

Of course, I don't even consider myself a writer, but this book punched me in the gut, kicked me when I was down, and pulled me around by the hair.

I learned that oddly enough, some writers "used" depression as a motivation.

Others were paralyzed by it.

Some pages were literally painful to leaf through as the dark ink poured out like blood from a wound.

I think if anything, I came away from the book knowing that pain and suffering is real, and they are things we must all experience.

It's all in how we cope.

I also realized if we are seeking comfort, or looking for answers, there's only one book to read...and you know what that is.

Am I about to die?

Or am I about to start living?