In Jan. 7 Issue
We never did care very much for Al Gore and now we even care less. After all, he is the one to blame for all the cold weather we are experiencing and for the big snow reportedly on the way. It has to be due to Gore’s global warming. Maybe Gore just forgot to send Mother Nature a copy of his movie and his global warming scientific reports.
Today, as you read this column, you should have at least four inches of snow on the ground, so they say. As a youngster, we can remember inches and inches of snow each winter. Everyone had a pair of those rubber galoshes up over the ankles with those big snap over buckles. We can remember snow up to our knees many times as a youngster, but activities then did not come to a stop. People went right on, put on their boots, wrapped up and went right on.
We normally do not like snow, but maybe one good one this year would not be so bad. You notice we said one.....
Here is one for Vic Henry.
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me
Pat and Tom Mathews tells us this week.......
Those of you with children will certainly enjoy these, so very true, descriptions of child birth.
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
GRANDCHILDREN: ...God's reward for allowing your children to live.
Home Economics for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop.
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral.
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away.
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back.
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill.
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves.
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means.
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's.
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet. See
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty.
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.