The Times Journal & Russell County News
Thursday, Apr. 24, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From My Window ... by I.C. Toowell
In Jan. 21 Issue

Election Win - The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

***

Have no reason why we thought of that particular joke with all the election talk here and on the national level.

That also reminded when the late Jack Bowman was running for democrat nominee for County Judge Executive. He won the primary with a vote margin of one. He called his father to tell him.

Jack’s father was a little on the hard of hearing and when Jack told his Dad he had won by one vote, his Dad replied, “What’s that son, you got one vote?”

***

A Letter From School

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like,

you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.

A week later....the response from Dad arrived:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.

Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a

NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

***


Final Words...

I'll get a world record for this.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

Let it down slowly.

Rat poison only kills rats.

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

Nice doggie.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

Don't be so superstitious.

***


How to Irritate People


 In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

 Sniffle incessantly.

 Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

 Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

 Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Drum on every available surface.

 Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

 Sew anti-theft detector strips

into peoples backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Set alarms for random times.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

 Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

 Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

 ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

 Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

 Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

 Ask people what gender they are.

 Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

 Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

 Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

 Wear a LOT of cologne.

 Sing along at the opera.

 Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something

about "psychological profiles."

 Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

 Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

 Never make eye contact.

 Never break eye contact.

 Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

 Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
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PUBLIC MEETINGS
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FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
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JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
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