The Times Journal & Russell County News
Sunday, Apr. 20, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From My Window ... by I.C. Toowell
In Feb. 18 Issue

It’s Tuesday night and just finished watching UK and Mississippi State. A heart thumping game.We wish they wouldn’t put that much stress on us. Chanson is going to UK next year and we are so glad his registration card says David C. Davenport.   With a little gray hair dye, there is no reason we cannot fit right in the freshman section at all ballgames.

How about all this snow and cold. We have just about had enough and we ‘re  ready for warmer weather, of course no one asked us what we wanted.

Hey, we know. We will ask Mickey Garner to proclaim spring, make the snow stop and warm weather appear. He and his followers are proclaimers of many things.

The birds are chirping already.

***

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe their critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss your axx goodbye!

So be careful today or you may loose your donkey.

***

Telltale Signs of Being a Mother

* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds

***

Political Science for Dummies


DEMOCRAT  

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

 

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a co-operative to tell him how to manage his cow.

 

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

 

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

 

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

 

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school. 

 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION 

You have two cows.

You drink some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You drink some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

 

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best-looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

 

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegal.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


See you next week.

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
(sports@tjrcn.com)
Advertising Manager:
Stephanie Smith
(ads@tjrcn.com)
Business Manager:
Kim Haydon
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Production Manager:
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(rcnoffice@tjrcn.com)
PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
LOCAL & AREA
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Adair Progress (Columbia)
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Casey County News (Liberty)
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Clinton County News (Albany)
clintonnews.net/
Cumberland County News (Burkesville)
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Wayne County Outlook (Monticello)
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