In March 18 Issue
You Know It's Time to Diet When....
You dance and it makes the band ski
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.
***
What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice, said "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news.."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me diddly."
***

Lawyer VS. Insurance
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,: then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued .. and won!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
Now for the rest of the story.....
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is reportedly a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
***
Missing Tail light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

Ordering Coffee
John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
***
Did you hear about the two little eldely ladies sitting in church. One leaned over to the othe and said, “I wish he would hurry up, this sermon has been so long my behind had gone to sleep”
The other little lady replied, “Yes I know I heard it snoring three times.”
***

Daily News Headlines Worth a Second Look

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
See ya next week