In April 1 Issue
Looks like the political arena is beginning to turn up the activity level. If the number of signs is any indication, we can look for a real active primary. The photo and vinyl sign business is putting a new spin on campaigning as fancy photo signs are appearing. Might be real helpful if we just put pictures on the ballot and instead of names we could vote by pictures.....on second thought.
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster. So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....
Go slow and watch out for the chicks!
Observations on Growing Older as observed and recorded by our friend Ron Phillips. We appreciate Ron giving us a heads-up as to what to expect when we reach that age.
~When people say you look "Great"... they add, "for your age!"~Your kids are becoming you ... and you don't like them... but, your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good. Coming home is better!
~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything ...
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names ... but, it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds...
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.
~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he/she does in bed. It's called his/her 'pre-sleep'.
~Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married" ... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an 'ON' and 'OFF' switch.
~When GOOGLE, ipod, e-mail, modem ... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
~You used to use more 4 letter words ..."what?"..."when?" ?
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is 'sleeveless'?!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ... 2 of which you will never wear.
Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Get rid of your cat.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
You have too many shoes.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
We're bound to miss the toilet sometimes.
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Sunday = Sports
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
You have enough clothes.
Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
A list of the world’s thinnest books.
My Life’s Memories - by Ronald Reagan
Beauty Secrets - by Janet Reno
Things I Love About Bill - by Hillary Clinton
Women I haven’t Harassed - by Bill Clinton
Things I Cannot Afford - by Bill Gates
Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman
The Wild Years - by Al Gore
Emila Earheart’s Guide To The Pacific
America’s Most Popular Lawyer
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches.
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
All The Men I’ve Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres
Mike Tyson’s Guide To Dating Etiquette
Spotted Owl Recipes -by the EPA
The World’s Most Talented Rap Musicians.20.
My Plan To Find The Real Killer - by O. J. Simpson.