In April 8 Issue
Very nice last week when we answered the front door and there were two great friends, Bro Louis Shepherd and Paul Womack. We worked with Paul and his wife Meredith when we first came to Russell County and we were all at The Times Journal. We have known Bro. Shepherd and his wife for many years and their son, now deceased, worked with us many nights at The Times Journal mailing the papers.
Paul reminded us very quickly that had been a few days ago when he pointed, snickered and said it looked like my forehead had gotten a lot bigger. He also pulled his cap off and we both had a lot more skin and a lot less hair.
Anyway, Bro. Shepherd and Paul were out inviting people to come to church and we discussed with them what a much better world this would be if more and more people were out taking care of their friends and neighbors.
One weekend a lawyer from New York decided to go bird hunting in Vermont. The lawyer drove to Vermont and found a good hunting spot near a farm. The lawyer sees a bird, shoots it and watches fall to the ground on the other side of the barns fence.
The lawyer, thinking to himself that's my bird I have to go get it, climbs the fence retrieves the bird and climbs back. Just as he gets back over the farmer comes up to him and says, "give me my bird." The lawyer says to him " your bird no no no I shot this bird it is mine."
"No" says the farmer,"it landed on my property it is mine." "Look" says the lawyer, "I am a lawyer, I will sue you , you will lose and I will get the duck." "No" says the farmer, "that's not how we do it here in Vermont, we use the three kick rule."
"Ok" says the lawyer, how does that work?" "I kick you three times as hard as I can, than you kick me as hard as you an three time and we keep going until one of us gives up." "Fine" says the lawyer, "let's go." "I'll go first" says the farmer. So the farmer kicks the lawyer as hard as he can in the groin.
And just as lawyer is bent over in pain the farmer kicks him right in the face. now just as the lawyer is thinking what did I get myself into the farmer kicks him in the stomach. after the lawyer gets over the agonizing pain he says ok now it's my turn. No the farmer says, "I quit you can have the duck."
Pat sends us some tips to print this week for all the new mothers out there. You might want to cut this out and post it on the frig.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
More Child rearing
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
New Commonplace Words
Aquadextrous (adj.) Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Carperpetuation (n.) The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
The smart story of the day...
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.