In April 22 Issue
Last week we were about to tell you a story but could not remember it. Well we thought of it this week and must pass it along, although we just cannot give away who it was.
This fellow was telling us how they were doing this scam on older men driving around in this big city he was visiting.
He tells that when you stop at a stoplight, these topless an basically nude girls come out and start washing your windshield. While you watching them someone else slips open your back door and steals everything in the back seat of your car.
He said they got him 5 times on Friday, 3 times on Saturday but he could not find them Sunday before he had to come home.
We always look forward to hearing from Pat and Tom Mathews. They always have some interesting thoughts to add and stories to tell.
Pat tells this one....
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
We know this one will get us in a lot of trouble, but who knows, there may be a lot of people out there just wondering whether or not they are conservative or liberal.
If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat..
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative reads this, he'll pass it so his friends can have a good laugh and he sends Ole IC a Thank You card
A liberal will probably throw it away and send Ole IC a Thank You card with five bucks in it. We hope that’s the way it goes.
Preacher Jones was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occured & Pastor Jone’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".
"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.
Things Not To Say To Your Date
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
A few quotes to consider:
Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company... George Washington
Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation... George Washington
Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience... George Washington
It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one. George Washington
Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway... John Wayne
I've always followed my father's advice: he told me, first to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be dang sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around looking for trouble... John Wayne
Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday... John Wayne
A few quotes from George Garlin
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones who need the advice.
Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. Think about your father: He doesn't know where anything is. You ask him to do something, he messes it up, and your mother sends you: "Go down and see what your father's doing before he blows up the house." He's a genius at work because he doesn't want to do it, and knows someone will be coming soon to stop him.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
See you next week.