The Times Journal & Russell County News
Tuesday, Jul. 22, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From My Window ... by I.C. Toowell
In May 27 Issue

We visited Felix Hill this week and while we were there, we picked a couple of gallons of cherries. Felix has three or four great cherry trees that are just loaded with big red cherries.

He has a grape vine that is going to be loaded with big juicy grapes and we are keeping our eyes on these and then we will go back and visit  again. We are wanting to try these grapes and our wine making kit. Only thing about using fresh grapes like these, it leaves a terrible stain on the feet from stomping the grapes for the juice.

Felix is putting his house on the market for sale. Many of you will remeber the house as the one that Bob Johnson built. Felix has been there for several years and it is a great home. If you want to take a look give us a call.

***

Felix also shared these with us.

You know you’re getting a little older when.....

When a pretty girl catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

Happy hour is a nap.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

 It takes twice as long to look half as good.

You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

 You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

 Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

 Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

 You are proud of your lawn mower.

 Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Pat Mathews sent us the following signs you would find in a kitchen.   

1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!

2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!

4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!

6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!

7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.   

***

Unbelieveable stories....

Recently, when I went toa restaurant and saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 chicken nuggets..

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right'

So I shook my head and ordered six nuggets

***

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

 Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

***

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

***

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,

'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

**


Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

See ya next time.



SIX


A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to

take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had

eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and

he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant

killer.....'


Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!                           


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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
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