In July 1 Issue
We really like the following little story. Pat Mathews sent it to us and we have told it several times this week.
My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."
We printed this out and pasted it on Chanson’s door this week. Sure he will pay a lot of attention.
4 years: My daddy can do anything.
7 years: My dad knows a lot, a whole lot.
8 years: My father doesn't know quite everything.
12 years: Oh, well, naturally Father doesn't know that, either.
14 years: Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned.
21 years: Oh, that man is out-of-date. What did you expect?
25 years: He knows a little bit about it, but not much.
30 years: Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks.
35 years: A little patience. Let's get Dad's assessment before we do anything.
50 years: I wonder what Dad would have thought about that. He was pretty smart.
60 years: My Dad knew absolutely everything!
65 years: I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man.
Rules for Good Housekeeping
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date. (It is a protective covering for furniture anyway.)
Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet
- Home is where you hang your @
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
- C: is the root of all directories.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- A chat has nine lives.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- Fax is stranger than fiction.
- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
- In Gates we trust.
- Virtual reality is its own reward.
- Modulation in all things.
- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
- There's no place like http://www.home.com
- Know what to expect before you connect.
- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.
- Speed thrills.
Four old gents were discussing the results of their golf games.
The first guy said, "I had three riders today."
The second bent over guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old man said, "I did about the same. I had seven riders, the same as last time."
The last one said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you fellers proud of me?”
After they went into the men's locker room, a lady club member that had heard the old gents talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf here for a lot of years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what in the world is a rider?”
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."