In July 29 Issue
We were at the post office today and a friend was telling he had lost his cell phone. We were thinking of some of the phones we have lost in the past and thought maybe we could help him find his.
One of our lost ones was found hiding in the pantry right behind the peanut butter jar. Then there was the one in the refrigerator in the meat drawer. There was the one in the shirt pocket, the only thing is, the shirt had just completed all the cycles in the mighty washing machine. He might want to check the commode and of course there was the one we found at all four corners of the Junction of Hwy 80 and 127, that one was taking a ride on the top of the car.
Just can’t understand the dang phones sometimes, they have a mind of their own and take some very unscheduled trips and tricks. Those cell phones always take a trip before the contract is renewable.
An elderly couple are attending church services.
About halfway through, the wife writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a little silent gas, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back , "Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."
The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 40
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
- You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Signs Found In Kitchens
1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!
15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
...and the best one of them all...
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
When you hear this announcement, it is time to hit the road.
"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"
Don't annoy me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
Quiet Please - Driver sleeping
My other girlfriend is beautiful
Ex-wife in trunk
The earth is full - go home
I drive too fast to have to worry about cholesterol
i souport publik edukashun
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you
I support the legal system: the faster I drive the more money they get!
Don't follow me, I'm lost too.
I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening.
Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Horn broken - Watch for finger.
I Work For The Government - I'm Here To Help You.
Next mood swing: five minutes
I'm NOT speeding, I'm qualifying!
Do me a favor...Steal this car.
Warning: Driver only carries $20 worth of ammunition!
I am the only one on this planet who knows how to drive.
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms!