The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. The trees are whistling for the dogs. You can say 110 degrees without fainting. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly. You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat! Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas. Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride. You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it. The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" will receive a black eye. ***
Wisdom of Love
If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she never was....
Pessimist: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
Optimist: If you love somebody, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, and repeat ***
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The playful clerk handed him a mirror. *** Lost Phone? A friend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and we could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!" We replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?" There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick
The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629