The Times Journal & Russell County News
Friday, Apr. 18, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From My Window ... by I.C. Toowell
In Aug. 19 Issue

Only a few days before Chanson will become a full time student at the University of Kentucky and we will become a full time participant in the Paxil University. We got the last of the items moved to his apartment this week.  We had thoughts of joining him at school until we took a look at his schedule and noticed three classes in Chemistry. Surely there is someway we can become a nuclear scientist without having to take chemistry.

Speaking of apartments, a word of advice to parents in selecting apartments for their children. They say the first floor apartments are not as safe as windows and doors are ground level. What they do not point out is how many steps there really are to reach the third floor apartments from ground level. We soon detected, 129 trips later, there are exactly 38 steps up the stairs and 52 steps on the sidewalk from the parking lot to the building and 45 steps down the hallway. Now place the couch on your back and these seem quite extreme, especially the ones up the stairs.

We wondered why they could charge more for the apartments on the upper levels as the price increased as the floors got higher. Then it hit us. Once you move in and realize how many steps there really are and how heavy the couch really is, you promise yourself, he will stay there all his college life and you are not about to move anything  back down those steps.

***

But they're true...


"The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.


"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.


"The Law of Reality"

Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose.


"The Law of Self Sacrifice"

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.


"Weiler's Law"

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.


"Law of Probable Dispersal"

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


"Law of Volunteer Labor"

People are always available for work in the past tense.


"Conway's Law"

In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.


"Iron Law of Distribution"

Them that has, gets.


"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"

There is always one more bug.


"Law of Drunkenness"

You can't fall off the floor.


"Heller's Law"

The first myth of management is that it exists.


"Osborne's Law"

Variables won't; constants aren't.


"Main's Law"

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.


"Weinberg's Second Law"

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

***

What Have We Learned in 2,065 Years?


"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." -  Cicero, 55 BC


Evidently nothing.

***

More One-liners...


Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.


A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.


Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.


Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.


To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.


An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs


When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.


The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.


What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?


If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.


18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree


It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.


Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.


Today is the last day of your life, so far.


No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.


People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.


One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.


I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.


You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.


No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.


The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.


The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.


If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.


Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.


The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.

***

Ski Lift Trouble


A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.


"Why is the injury not covered"? he asked.


"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot and we consider that a pre-existing condition."


WE’RE YOUNG AT HEART  - But,  Slightly older in some other places.


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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
(sports@tjrcn.com)
Advertising Manager:
Stephanie Smith
(ads@tjrcn.com)
Business Manager:
Kim Haydon
(business@tjrcn.com)
Production Manager:
Renee Daffron
(people@tjrcn.com)
Jamestown Office:
Kim Graham
(rcnoffice@tjrcn.com)
PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
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