The Times Journal & Russell County News
Saturday, Apr. 19, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From My Window ... by I.C. Toowell
In Oct. 7 Issue

Fall is here, no doubt and it is so great. Just wonderful to see the fall colors and the cool mornings. Guess it is time for us to start cutting fire wood and getting ready for the winter months.

Still have not heard from the gentleman who has left us our records. Let us hear from you so we can thank you.

Oh, by the way, we have just obtained one of the new android phones, it is one of the latest from Motorola and it is just unreal what all you can do with this phone. It is a phone and then everything.

There are all kinds of programs for it and it is just unreal. Thousands of programs are available and so far we have added several. One that is a navigational program and you just simple tell it where you want to go and it tells you how to get there, turn by turn. Yes you heard me, just tell it.

We have programs that will amortize a loan so we can tell our real estate clients exactly what their mortgage payments wold be. There is a program that gathers and play only the kind of music we want to hear. A barcode scanner were we can scan any barcode and it will tell is the price, a flashlight, a camera that will take and send photos, a video camera and the list goes on and on...plus we can even make a phone call. We can text, twitter and facebook, browse the internet and even show potential real estate clients a photo list of all our real estate listing. A map program that you can just talk to the phone and tell it you want a pizza or a quart of oil and it will take you there. Oh, did I tell you it will also make a phone call.

We purchased the phone at Duo-County and if you have an interest in such a gadget go by and let one of the reps show you what all it will and can do. It has one of those new touch screens but also one of the pull-out key boards.  We downloaded a program a few minutes ago that will allow us to download and listen to audio books and even watch TV. I must say I am quite disappointed it will not make a sandwich or a cup of coffee, or at least I have not found that button yet.

***

Tom Mathews tells us he has figured a way to make his wife, Pat, very happy by giving her the following suggestion.


A Good Way to Begin the Day

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "HOUSEWORK"

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

***

Philosophy and the Talented Doggie


An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

***

Mom's Time Out

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.

His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

***

Striptease for a John Deere

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me!" exclaims Billy Bob.

Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, "Me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

***


1. You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

2.I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I?

3. What goes around the world but stays in a corner?

4. Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?

5. The man who invented it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know it. What is it?

6, I run over fields and woods all day. Under the bed at night I sit not alone. My tongue hangs out, up and to the rear, awaiting to be filled in the morning. What am I?

7. Throw it off the highest building, and I'll not break. But put me in the ocean, and I will. What am I?

8. What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?

9. No sooner spoken than broken. What is it?

10. I am mother and father, but never birth or nurse. I'm rarely still, but I never wander. What am I?

11. I am weightless, but you can see me. Put me in a bucket, and I'll make it lighter. What am I?

12.     

I never was, am always to be,

No one ever saw me, nor ever will,

And yet I am the confidence of all

To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.

What am I?

13.

Pronounced as one letter,

And written with three,

Two letters there are,

And two only in me.

I'm double, I'm single,

I'm black, blue, and gray,

I'm read from both ends,

And the same either way.

What am I?

14.     

I'm where yesterday follows today, and tomorrow's in the middle. What am I?

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
(sports@tjrcn.com)
Advertising Manager:
Stephanie Smith
(ads@tjrcn.com)
Business Manager:
Kim Haydon
(business@tjrcn.com)
Production Manager:
Renee Daffron
(people@tjrcn.com)
Jamestown Office:
Kim Graham
(rcnoffice@tjrcn.com)
PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
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