In Nov. 11 Issue
There was a wife and husband out golfing one day. The husband wasn't a very good player and the wife was an accomplished player. Whenever the husband hit a bad shot, the wife would laugh and make fun of his plight. On one hole, he swung mightily at his drive, producing a huge slice which sailed into dense woods. Wearily, he trudged into the woods to retrieve his ball, followed by the laughter and smart remarks from his wife.
The husband searched for about ten minutes for his ball. He was about to give up when he spied it about ten feet in front of him, resting up against what looked like an old oil lamp. Curious, he picked up the lamp and gave it a quick rub against his pant leg. Instantly, a plume of smoke erupted from the lamp. A moment later, a genie stood in front of him.
"Oh Master," the genie entoned, "You have released me from a thousand years of captivity in the lamp. To show my gratitude, I will grant you three wishes."
"OK," replied the flabbergasted husband.
"There is a catch; however." the genie continued. "Whatever wish I grant you, I must also grant to your wife a hundred times over."
Thinking for a minute, the husband agreed.
"My first wish," he said, "Is to be the greatest golfer in the world."
The genie agreed, but reminded him that his wife would be a hundred times greater than him. His wish was granted.
"For my second wish," he said," I want ten million dollars."
"Done," said the genie, "But you realize that your wife now has a hundred times that amount."
"Now," the genie said, "What is your final wish."
"A mild heart attack"
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..."
Facts that a few years have now passed.....
You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold
You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense..
You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said...
"Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"
A few advantages of those senior years
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.
"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Ralph, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Ralph's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."
The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Walt.
"How old are you?" George asked.
"I'm ninety-four," Walt responded.
"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?
At this, Walt blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!"
"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."
George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Walt.
"Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.
"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Walt yelled.
"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"
Walt dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."