The Times Journal & Russell County News
Saturday, Apr. 19, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From My Window ... by I.C. Toowell
In Jan. 6 Issue

Hope all of you survived the opening of the New Year.

Our celebration was an old tradition we developed a few years ago and we just could not break away. It has become more and more a part of our way of life.

We start off with plans for a nice dinner but then decide just to leave the old t-shirt on and stay home and have a bowl of soup. Then we settle down to watch the new year come and to watch the big ball drop on TV. Next we are aroused by the cramp in our neck and find out the big ball dropped about three hours ago and we missed it, again asleep on the couch.  Happy New Year.

Here’s a story we heard that is interesting.

On New Year's Eve, this fellow named Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van parked and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

“I'm on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger.

“And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?” enquired the officer sarcastically.

“My wife,” slurred Daniel grimly.

***

The Top TEN Things to Say About Christmas Gifts You Absolutely HATE and Will NEVER Wear or Use.

#10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would’ve fit.

#9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

#8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

#7. Well, well, well…

#6. I really don’t deserve this…

#5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

#4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

#3. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

#2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

and the number one top pick

#1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

***

We have some breaking news for all of you. We know diets are also on everyone’s mine

The Government has Issued New Guidelines for a Healthy Diet. Called the Obama Diet it goes like it...


They advise you to:


   1. List your ten favourite foods.

   2. List your five favourite drinks.

   3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls or little trees.

   4. List water.

   5. Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.


If  you are taking on a diet, you may want tp take heed of this little story.


Needing to shed a few pounds, Robert, and his wife Jennifer, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for their individual portions. Robert and Jennifer felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry.

As time progressed, Robert and Jennifer realized that they were, in fact, putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they found their error.

There, in small print, Robert and Jennifer saw, to their horror: “Serves 6”.

***

Ode To January -


'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt -

I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.Dieting in January

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore. But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

***

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

You might want to check you resolutions with what is now reported at the top ten.

   1. Spend more time with the family.

   2. Take more exercise - Get fit.

   3. Lose (loose!) weight.

   4. Give up smoking (again).

   5. Get out of dept.

   6. Learn a new skill, take up a new hobby.

   7. Put something into the community -help others.

   8. Get organized.  Else buy shares in diary, or companies selling electronic planners!

   9. Become more security conscious.

  10. Give up drinking, at least for the first week of January!

 Did you hear about the gourmet who avoids unfashionable restaurants because he doesn't want to gain weight in the wrong places?

     A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you're off it.  Jackie Gleason

   Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?

   Never go back for seconds... get it all the first time.

    A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

Have a great New Year.

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
(sports@tjrcn.com)
Advertising Manager:
Stephanie Smith
(ads@tjrcn.com)
Business Manager:
Kim Haydon
(business@tjrcn.com)
Production Manager:
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Jamestown Office:
Kim Graham
(rcnoffice@tjrcn.com)
PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
LOCAL & AREA
NEWS SITES
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Adair Progress (Columbia)
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Casey County News (Liberty)
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Clinton County News (Albany)
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USEFUL SITES
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