The Times Journal & Russell County News
Sunday, Apr. 20, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From My Window ... by I.C. Toowell
In Feb. 3 Issue

This week we have a long list of puns. A dear friend of ours, the late Vic Henry enjoyed puns and we always included a few along for him. We know he would enjoy this week.

1.  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

13.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

15.  The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.  A backward poet writes inverse.

18.  In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir. Only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

23.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?' The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

25.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.  There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

***

Tom Mathews sent us the following, We have been told that it actually is about Tom personally, although Tom is telling like it was about someone else.

A good laugh for people in the 'Should I really join Facebook over 50+ group' Also for those who know people like us.

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out, just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.."


P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.  I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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Phone: 270-343-5700
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