The Times Journal & Russell County News
Thursday, Apr. 24, 2014 — RUSSELL SPRINGS & JAMESTOWN, KENTUCKY — russellcounty.net
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From My Window ... by I.C. Toowell
In Feb. 24 Issue

We have a new diet plan we are considering and it appears to be one that would really work. Tuesday, we stopped at the Minit Mart to get us a bite of lunch. While we were drooling over all the different slices of tasty pizza, Daryl Hammond came by, grabbed us by our arm and said, “you don’t need that, you need to look over here”, as he pointed to the tuna salad on wheat bread. After that we very quietly picked up our tuna and wheat, grabbed a diet coke and away we went.

We must say we felt much better as we left the store and even thought how great it would be if we had Daryl with us at every meal to direct us in the right manner.

As we were leaving the store,we glanced back and there was Daryl looking over the pizza counter with a big smile on his face. We couldn’t bring ourself to wait and see what he actually chose.....it better not have been that big slice of wonderful, tasty, dripping with cheese and sausage and covered with black olives pizza.

Maybe he won’t be there tomorrow.

***

Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.


Southerner's Medical Dictionary


Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria -  Back door to the cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan. -  Searching for Kitty

Cauterize. -  Made eye contact with her

Colic -  A sheep dog

Coma -  A punctuation mark

Dilate -  To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula. - A small lie

Impotent - Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain. -  Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid. -  A higher offer

Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates

Node -  I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis -  Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative -  A letter carrier

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery

Rectum -  **** near killed him

Secretion. - Hiding something

Seizure -  Roman emperor

Tablet - A small table

Terminal Illness. -  Getting sick at the airport

Tumor - One plus one more

Urine -  Opposite of you're out

***

Pat Mathews sent us this one....

Settling a Cow Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.

The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case.

The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

***

How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah??                NO

Lee - A??            NOPE

Lay - a??             NO

Lei??          Guess Again.

This child attends a school in   Kansas City ,   Mo.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong..

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

***

Puns for Weird Mind

1.  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

1.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

13.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

15.  The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.  A backward poet writes inverse.

18.  In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir. Only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

23.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?' The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Enough, see you next week.

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The Times Journal is a weekly newspaper issued on Thursdays. It was first published on October 13, 1949, by Andrew J. and Terry Norfleet.
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P.O. Box 190
120 Wilson St.
Russell Springs KY 42642
Phone: 270-866-3191
Fax: 270-866-3198
Russell County News is a weekly newspaper issued on Saturdays, and is mailed free to every address in Russell County, Ky. It was first published on February 1, 1913.
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404 Monument Square
Jamestown KY 42629
Phone: 270-343-5700
Publisher:
David Davenport
(publisher@tjrcn.com)
Managing Editor:
Greg Wells
(editor@tjrcn.com)
News & Sports Editor:
Derek Aaron
(sports@tjrcn.com)
Advertising Manager:
Stephanie Smith
(ads@tjrcn.com)
Business Manager:
Kim Haydon
(business@tjrcn.com)
Production Manager:
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(people@tjrcn.com)
Jamestown Office:
Kim Graham
(rcnoffice@tjrcn.com)
PUBLIC MEETINGS
Members of the public may attend meetings. Boards or agencies may schedule other meetings at special times, but are required to notify the public.
FISCAL COURT: 2nd Monday of month, 6 p.m. in the Courthouse
RUSSELL SPRINGS CITY: 2nd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in the City Hall Municipal Room
JAMESTOWN CITY: 3rd Thursday of month, 6 p.m. in basement meeting room at City Hall
SCHOOL BOARD: 3rd Monday of month, 6:30 p.m., Board of Education office in Jamestown
LIBRARY BOARD: 2nd Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Jamestown Library
AIRPORT BOARD: 1st Tuesday of month, 5 p.m. at Airport
TOURISM COMMISSION: 2nd Wednesday of month, 12:30 p.m. at Tourism Office
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE: 3rd Tuesday of month, noon at The Cove restaurant
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