In March 3 Issue
Just have to report that we went by the Minit Mart this week and my friend Daryl was not there and we have the chance to get us a slice (two slices) of that wonderful cheese, black olive pizza. You remember that last week Daryl talked us out of it and told me we would be better off having a tuna on wheat instead.
Well, ever since then all we could see or taste was a big slice of that tasty pizza treat. Finally we worked up enough courage to slip into Minit Mart, knowing that Daryl’s car was not out front, and get us two pieces of pizza. We hid the box under our coat and slipped on down to the real estate office where we told Darlene that we would be in our office but did not want to be disturbed.
We shut the door and slipped out our pizza and started to enjoy, but every car that went by, we just knew Daryl was going to come in and point his finger in shame at us.
We ate one piece and out conscious got to bothering us. We locked the door. The phone rang and we just knew he somehow had found out we had pizza in hand.
We just could not take it anymore and decided to throw the other slice away. We walked outside to where the trash bin is located and then thought....he could see us out back, so we dashed behind the piles of trash and ate the whole thing.
Moral to the story. The stress was so bad, our nerves were all shot so next time, it’s tuna and wheat. Daryl apparently knows best.
Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.
This is reportedly a true story and we can easily understand it.
Gerrad, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.
A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, I don't understand a thing."
To cheer him up, the instructor said: "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"
What Not To Put On Your Application For Employment. Here is some that actually did.
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
O YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.