Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.

What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.

Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

More Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?

You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.

My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.

If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.

Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.

If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.

You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.

Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

***

Thanks to Tom and Pat Mathews for their help this week,.

At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"

***

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?" The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

***

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. --Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. --Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. --Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. --Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Gabor

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I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson when his mom asked him "What is tomorrow?"  He said "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound... He said . . . "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

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Very Smart Women

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner

5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing 'em. -Sue Grafton

8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr

***

A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building.

The teller said, "Yes, providing he doesn't make a deposit."

***

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics.

Games

As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

***

Readers of the Washington POST were asked to compose a very unwise line for a college application:

"When I told my friends I was applying to LeHigh, they were like, no way, and I was like, yes way. And they were like, way cool."

"Four years of fees at your institution come to about $78,000. Just bill my father and mail me half the money. He'll never find out."

"First off, coach said there wasn't going to be no writing."

"To demonstrate my love for your school, I have spray-painted your logo on my town's water tower."

"College is probably the last place they'll look for me