In March 31 Issue
It is amazing how events in all neighborhoods and cities work. We find it fantantastic that each week there is just enough news to fill the front page of the newspaper.
The Bible According to Kids. Some of these we have printed before but if they have been, they are still entertaining.
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.
- He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".
- It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
- The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Words from Women
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. - Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
The Last Word from Women
Men are like fine wine...
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in shorts came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
One day, while shaving, Mark Twain cut himself. He recited his entire vocabulary of swear words. His wife, hoping to stun him, repeated all the swear words. Then, Twain turned and said, "You have the words, my dear, but you don't know the tune."
Have a great week.