In May 5 Issue
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose."
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When
1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
5. You lick your coffeepot clean.
6. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
7. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
11. All your kids are named "Joe."
12. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
14. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
15. People get dizzy just watching you.
16. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
17. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
19. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
20. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
21. Instant coffee takes too long.
22. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
25. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
26. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
30. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
31. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
32. You don't tan, you roast.
33. You can't even remember your second cup.
34. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"